ALL HAIL THE INTANGIBLE!

I have recently been made aware that one cannot offer "free advice" as a service under the "For Free" section on Craigslist. Apparently there is a sub-culture of regular Craigslist users who refresh their browser every five minutes in this section in the vain hope of being the first to stake a claim on whatever treasure they can get their hands on.

This same group also apparently does not take kindly to anyone clogging up Craigslist with "intangible" offerings (such as the benevolent desire to offer free advice to anyone seeking it), as it may interfere with their capacity to get their hands on that vintage 8-track someone is going to give away at any moment.

Any offer for a free intangible service is apparently limited to the forum section of Craigslist. Of course this is very limiting for those who desire to offer something intangible as a service or gift to those seeking it, relegating it to a conversation piece in the forum. You can give away free parts for a lawn mower on Craigslist, though free advice be damned!

I would like to make a strong case that Craigslist should make room for "intangibles" in their classifieds service, and not be so hung up on the acquisition and transfer of fleeting (and highly breakable) material objects. Case in point, here is a non-exhaustive list of the type of highly valuable intangibles that could be offered as a free service through the Craigslist classifieds;

Active Listening
Advice
Affirmations
Anecdotes (personal, or otherwise)
Assumptions
Brainstorming
Casual Remarks
Clichés
Compliments
Conspiracy Theories
Encouragement
Esoteric Quotations
Feedback (constructive or negative depending on the need)
Folk Tales
Generalizations (these are always problematic)
Ideas
Insults (I recall a street performer who did this for cash - I would do it for free)
Jokes
Logical Fallacies
Musical Recommendations (no MP3 files exchanged)
Obscure Pop Culture References
Old Wives Tales
Opinions
Paranoid Delusions
Personal Insights
Poetry
Philosophical Discourse
Predictions
Reviews
Sarcasm
Speculation
Tall Tales
Various Quips & Assorted Witticisms
Warnings

I don't know about you, but I would jump at the chance to utilise some free brainstorming if I was stuck at a creative impasse late one night. Also, why bother with useless material things when someone can grace you with their sparkling wit, the occasional sarcastic remark or a really bang-on knock knock joke.

Any other ideas for valuable intangibles that could be offered?

MAY 1, 1601.

Today I accidentally discovered that I can't go any further back in time on my Outlook calendar than May 1, 1601. My archaic laptop at work was having a temper tantrum and decided to jam some of the keys, thus causing my Outlook calendar to zoom rapidly backwards in monthly increments, stopping abruptly at the above mentioned date in the year 1601.

I attempted to scroll back further, but to no avail. Upon further investigation I learned Windows uses January 1, 1601 as a baseline for both file dates and active directory logon dates. I also learned that for most computers the ANSI date format (YYYY-MM-DD) is counted from 1601-01-01, having something to do with the last 400 year cycle from which leap years are calculated in the Gregorian calendar.

For me this was significant setback, because I have been plotting on an ongoing basis around how to use my Outlook calendar as a tool for messing with the space-time continuum (for mostly benevolent reasons I might add). Much to my dismay it is clear now that I cannot book any appointments or schedule any of those helpful pop-up reminders I had planned for in the 16th Century or earlier.

Now I am seriously bummed out because I was planning to send a message to my old pal Prince Sigismund Bathory of Transylvania on May 5, 1600, warning him that the following day his beloved city of Suceava was going to be sacked by Michael the Brave of Wallachia. Now what am I supposed to do?
I could look at getting that old Flux Capacitor retrofitted for my Toyota Corolla and show up in person I suppose, but I fear getting stuck in the past and having to wait another 400 years or so to be born. That would be a tad inconvenient.

Of course don't get me started on the whole "butterfly effect", and the possibility that my own valiant efforts to save Prince Sigismund could disrupt the normal time line in the first place, thus preventing my own birth and causing this whole endeavour to disappear in a big puff of logic.

Any suggestions?

Related Post: My Time Travelling Outlook Calendar

MY ÜBER GROUP DU JOUR

I am giving a big shout-out today to Anais Nohant for her utterly sublime super group contest. It was a painstaking process for me of course, and with this scenario before me filled with endless possibilities my line-up of choice could conceivably change from moment to moment depending on what is capturing my fancy during that precise millisecond.

Anyways, with little further ado here is my über group du jour;

The line-up features The Edge on Guitar, the late great Klaus Nomi and his soaring falsetto on lead vocal, topped off with a rhythm section featuring Sly and Robbie (aka Lowell Dunbar - drums, and Robert Shakespeare - bass).

Of course it would sound just as you imagine; a consistent and engaging reggae groove supporting Edge's soaring infinite guitar as the wildly varied pitches in Nomi's vocals create a surreal sonic tapestry to weave in and out of the masterful instrumentation.

Recognizing of course that Nomi is not a household name, here is some footage to reel you in;



Of course this was way too much fun, and you have to know I will be creating über groups as a regular feature from now on! Thanks again Anais for the inspiration.

FRIDGE MAGNET VOCABULARY

When my awesome nephew came for a visit last summer he left the following words on my fridge via our alphabet fridge magnets;


It still makes me giggle from time to time and I kept it on the fridge for a long time. I thought it was quite brilliant and I can envision this making it into the common vernacular. Here are a few examples;

Example #1: (14 year old girl) "Oh my God, Mr. Mason gave me way too much homework, he's such a turd map"

Example #2: The forensic nutritionist enhanced the resolution in order to get a more substantive reading on the corpse's dietary habits. From the analysis of the turd map it appeared that he had eaten a fair deal of corn at some point during the day prior to his accident.

Example #3: The directions he had followed from MapQuest were vastly inaccurate. After hours of driving aimlessly in circles he threw the crumbled paper out the window. It was a complete and utter turd map.

Anyone else have any other potential uses for this wonderful phrase?

(NOTE: I don't know if there is actually any such thing as a Forensic Nutritionist, though I sense a potential network pitch once CSI runs it's course)

I SUCK AT BEING EVIL

It looks like my evil global decaffeination plan is a complete washout. A crew of thoughtful and opinionated bloggers have either poked holes in my plan or have declared their fierce and heartfelt opposition to any attempt at realizing my nefarious scheme;

Grampa stated very clearly that "you will never, ever, pry coffee out of my cold dead hands"

Comrade Kevin stated that I could only have his coffee once I pulled his "cold, dead, five fingered hand away from (his) personal grinder".

PJ could care less about coffee, but sternly warned me to keep away from her beloved tea. Sadly, I forgot to factor in my tea sipping brethren from the British Isles and took an exclusively North American-centric approach to my plans for global domination. Thanks for promoting cultural awareness PJ!

Dean Wormer reminded me that Starbucks is already controlled by Dr. Evil, which makes sense because who else would charge you $5 for a coffee that takes 15 minutes to order? I mean, what could be more evil than that?

Finally, Karen said she couldn't give a rip about "freakish" Starbucks consumers, or coffee for that matter, though noted that her morning coke (cola just for the record) is essential to her well being and ability to function in the morning.

It was far too easy to pull apart my fanciful and malevolent musings with the basic application of logic (or direct threats!). Oh well, there is always my back-up plan to convince the Writer's Guild to go on strike, thus putting our beloved TV shows on hiatus and forcing us to read books or go outside - MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.....

.....whats that you say ? This has indeed already happened and has in fact been resolved, our beloved TV shows will return shortly..... well throw me a friggin bone people, need the info here.

Man, do I ever suck at being evil!

Update: The wonderful Madame Z thinks I am at least " *borderline* evil." for even thinking up this rather heinous crime - so perhaps a few more years in Evil School and I will be on my way!

IF I WAS TRULY EVIL

If I was truly evil and could utilize one diabolical super power to dominate the world I know exactly what I would do. I would unleash the awesome and devastating might of my super decaf powers to sap the caffeine out of every beverage on the face of the earth.

Try, if you dare, to comprehend the havoc this would cause. It would all seem fairly innocuous at first. There would be notices posted at every one of the millions of Starbucks around the world stating "sorry, we now only serve decaf". Soon the panic would set in. Lots of yawning and excessive grogginess everywhere. Our world leaders would soon be unable to concentrate, becoming irritable and confrontational. People would begin to get really edgy and short tempered with their colleagues and loved ones. Things would get ugly quickly.

The machines of industry would soon slow down and the world economy would come to a grinding halt, millions of workers sleeping in, too tired to care. Your favourite morning radio hosts would suddenly seem less quirky or tolerable during your morning commute. It would be a total paradigm collapse. What would be the point of having a "coffee break" anymore?

A day or so later when the collective caffeine withdrawal induced headaches kicked in the world would be utterly and completely at my mercy, for only I could bring back the desired stimulant craved by all. Sweaty, trembling, the nations of the world would come crawling, empty coffee cup in hand, willing to submit to my awesome power. My demands would be met without hesitation.

Thankfully I am mostly non-evil and if I was endowed with the burden of this awesome power I would use it only sparingly. Admittedly though, I may have a little fun with it at the office from time to time.

INTRODUCING "YOUTH DEVELOPMENT"

Here's my band, as per the CD cover meme that has been floating around the blogosphere;

I am not sure what my fictitious ensemble would sound like. I was thinking about Iron & Wine, mainly because of the long beard on the old guy on the cover reminds me of what Sam Beam will look like in 20 years. Perhaps it will be an enthralling fusion of indie-rock and blue grass with a pinch of gothic Americana thrown in for good measure.

Make your own band and join the fun, the instructions are simple;

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.

Thanks to PJ at The Urban Recluse for turning me on to this. Also, take some time to check out the flickr CD meme group that is devoted to this project. There are some great and creative album covers that are worthy of consideration.

MY TIME TRAVELLING OUTLOOK CALENDAR

I am utterly lost and hopeless at work if I don't enter everything in my calendar on Microsoft Outlook. I enter every appointment and always embrace the option to have little pop-ups appear at a designated time to remind me of another life altering meeting that I need to attend in 15 minutes.

While engaging in such an act of unnatural time management recently I inadvertently leaned on my mouse and ended up scrolling backwards (by monthly increments) on my calender. I assumed wrongly that by the time it reached back to the mid 1990's somewhere it would come to a grinding halt. I remembered a new VCR I had in 1995 and how its programing dates stopped at 2008. I wasn't sure if this reflected technical limitations or a lack of optimism about the future (or perhaps the perceived longevity of the VCR).

Anyways, in a surreal fashion the decades began to count backwards as I applied more pressure and engaged in multiple and rapid clicking on my mouse. The 80's and 70's zipped by in a flurry and then my calender began to breeze through the decades that predated my existence, month after month, year after year. I gave up at the year 1864, though you do know that I will one day take it ALL THE WAY back to see what happens.

I began to wonder if I could somehow circumnavigate the space time continuum and send little reminders to myself via my time travelling Outlook calendar. Here are two examples of what I might send to my past and future counterparts given the opportunity to do so;

• January 5, 1982 - "Matthew, please STAY INSIDE during recess today - a very unfortunate game of kissing tag will commence on the playground, resulting in you being surrounded by a mob of fellow fifth graders demanding that you kiss Suzy Williamson. Your cold sore and humiliation will be legendary!"

• March 12, 2021 - "My Dearest Matthew, if you haven't written an award winning or ground breaking novel by now you are indeed a lazy asshole and better get to it quickly before time runs out - P.S. How are the polar icecaps doing?

Don't get into the pragmatics, I am sure my 1980's Speak & Spell could receive the future message with today's technology applied to it, and well, it is already possible to jump ahead in Outlook and send yourself reminders or threats in the near or distant future. So get typing and send yourself some dire warning or inspirational speech about what you hoped your life would become.

Now excuse me while I send a warning to my Viking ancestors about the mortal danger of developing Scurvy during a long sea voyage.