Friday, February 15, 2008


If I was truly evil and could utilize one diabolical super power to dominate the world I know exactly what I would do. I would unleash the awesome and devastating might of my super decaf powers to sap the caffeine out of every beverage on the face of the earth.

Try, if you dare, to comprehend the havoc this would cause. It would all seem fairly innocuous at first. There would be notices posted at every one of the millions of Starbucks around the world stating "sorry, we now only serve decaf". Soon the panic would set in. Lots of yawning and excessive grogginess everywhere. Our world leaders would soon be unable to concentrate, becoming irritable and confrontational. People would begin to get really edgy and short tempered with their colleagues and loved ones. Things would get ugly quickly.

The machines of industry would soon slow down and the world economy would come to a grinding halt, millions of workers sleeping in, too tired to care. Your favourite morning radio hosts would suddenly seem less quirky or tolerable during your morning commute. It would be a total paradigm collapse. What would be the point of having a "coffee break" anymore?

A day or so later when the collective caffeine withdrawal induced headaches kicked in the world would be utterly and completely at my mercy, for only I could bring back the desired stimulant craved by all. Sweaty, trembling, the nations of the world would come crawling, empty coffee cup in hand, willing to submit to my awesome power. My demands would be met without hesitation.

Thankfully I am mostly non-evil and if I was endowed with the burden of this awesome power I would use it only sparingly. Admittedly though, I may have a little fun with it at the office from time to time.


Grampa said...

Bring it. I live on the Island of Hawaii. Take over starbucks, you can have the fuckers, but if you come to my island, well, either of my Islands (Hawaii and Madagascar), then we're fighting to the death. I'll chew those beans, and I have before, if that's what it takes.

But you will never, ever, pry coffee out of my cold dead hands.

yours in struggle,

Westcoast Walker said...

Hey Grampa - I believe that you would indeed stand firm in fierce resistance to my malevolent plan and would be a force to be reckoned with.

Perhaps we would strike a "grampa's island nation exclusion pact", including unlimited flowing hot caffeinated brew for you and your underlings in return for you pledging to keep the plebes in line with your magic staff.

Think about it, not a bad offer indeed.

Comrade Kevin said...

You'll take my coffee away when you pull my cold, dead, five fingered hand away from my personal grinder.

Not a coffee snob. Not at all.

PJ said...

I don't care what yo do to all that smelly coffee, as long as you leave my tea alone.

Dean Wormer said...

You do know that Dr. Evil owns Starbucks, right?

What he would do rather than drop caffiene from the coffee would be to change the pricing structure. Decaf would stay the same but a cup of Venti French Roast would now cost 100 bazillion dollars.

Karen said...

I'd be so happy to be rid of the Starbucks and it's freakish followers (ie: slaves). However, rather than rid the world completely of caffeine can we just get rid of the coffee? I need my morning coke or I'm a bitch.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Looking forward to sharing some book reviews with you this summer!

Madam Z said...

Oh, Mr. Walker, I fear you are at least *borderline* evil. To describe in such detail such a heinous act and its horrific results is cruel, indeed. I am twitching at the thought of caffeine deprivation, my eyes are glazed and bulging, my mind is racing...oh...wait...maybe I am just reacting to the four cups of coffee I just drank. Thank all the gods, there was plenty of caffeine in it. For now, at least...

Westcoast Walker said...

Thanks for all the great comments everyone - when I achieve world domination I promise to give you all a place of prominence among my minions.

Actually, as penance for my evil thoughts I gave you all a nod in my next posting.

Lisa said...

Hilarious! But I fear we would be turning instead to much worse *drugs* like heroine, cocaine, meth, etc. to get our fix :-0 And the sugar consumption rate would go through the roof! Still, I like the creative thinking in your diabolical plan. Hee, hee.