FREAKY DEAKY COMMUTING

Recently, my potentially soul sapping commute to work has been enhanced by the presence of wise cracking shylocks, fraudsters, hit men, burnt-out cops, deceitful debutantes, extortionists and bomb yielding ex-hippies. No, I am not carpooling with the mafia, but rather listening to some fabulous audio books by yarn spinner extraordinaire Elmore Leonard.

Leonard is probably best known for his books that were made into movies ("Get Shorty", "Be Cool" ,"3:10 To Yuma"), and these stories pretty well offer a consistent snapshot of much of his work. There is usually a large cast of characters that are interwoven by a combination of some elaborate scam and/or vendetta that plays out in some outrageous fashion towards the end.

While the main characters are often a little more complex with some sordid history behind them, they are often complimented by a litany of two-dimensional characters that adhere to various exaggerated personality traits, including, but not limited to, some wannabe low grade gangster character that is often too stupid for words.

Leonard's stories work well as audio books due to the fact that they are primarily driven by rapid fire dialogue rather than traditional narrative devices. They play out like some 30's or 40's era radio drama mixed with some late 20th century irony and some pop culture references thrown in for good measure.

I have picked up a few more of his audio books from the library recently and I have been so engaged with the stories that I am often reluctant to get out of my car while in the midst of some rather witty and engaging pieces of dialogue. The stories are gripping and often pick up the pace as the multiplicity of characters end up coming together for a dramatic clash towards the book's climax.

Right now I am listening to one of his books from the late 80's, "Freaky Deaky" about a couple of ex-hippies looking to extort some cash out of some fellow former radicals who are now yuppies, while eventually getting mixed up with a prototypical burnt-out and relationship challenged ex-cop. Of course I am only about a third of the way through, so things should get even more interesting.

It is all great fun, and in addition to providing temporary respite from the minute by minute swine flu updates on the radio, it is also great fodder for my imagination. Even better, it transforms the road I travel on a daily basis into a platform to explore and enjoy the absurd, farcical and wonderfully sordid tales that are an inherent part of the human condition.

O LAPTOP, WHERE ART THOU?

My laptop was in the repair shop for eight long days, and despite the initial bought of separation anxiety things turned out remarkably well for both of us. For my laptop it was an opportunity to meet some new friends, get a little tune up and gain some perspective on life.

As for me, in addition to reinforcing my belief that absence does make the heart grow fonder, I had fun in the (mostly) non-digital realm soaking up the beautiful spring weather, gardening and driving my people mover to work so I could earn enough money to keep that same people mover on the road and continue to drive it to work…..ad infinitum.

Here is a (non-exhaustive) list of some of a few other things I did during my little laptop holiday;

Walking/Hiking

Breathing (a regular activity)
Cleaning up after my busy tribe of Munchkins
Catching up with my favourite music magazines
Ongoing denial of the impending tax filing deadline
Reading a great book - "The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson
Supervising bouncy castle mayhem for the Munchkins
Dreaming
Scheming
Fretting over which of my fav shows will likely be cancelled (RIP "Chuck")

A good time really, and the only difference now that my kindly little laptop has returned from its spa holiday is that I will continue to do all of the above, albeit I will be able to blog about afterwards, sort of like I am now.

ALL HAIL THE INTANGIBLE!

I have recently been made aware that one cannot offer "free advice" as a service under the "For Free" section on Craigslist. Apparently there is a sub-culture of regular Craigslist users who refresh their browser every five minutes in this section in the vain hope of being the first to stake a claim on whatever treasure they can get their hands on.

This same group also apparently does not take kindly to anyone clogging up Craigslist with "intangible" offerings (such as the benevolent desire to offer free advice to anyone seeking it), as it may interfere with their capacity to get their hands on that vintage 8-track someone is going to give away at any moment.

Any offer for a free intangible service is apparently limited to the forum section of Craigslist. Of course this is very limiting for those who desire to offer something intangible as a service or gift to those seeking it, relegating it to a conversation piece in the forum. You can give away free parts for a lawn mower on Craigslist, though free advice be damned!

I would like to make a strong case that Craigslist should make room for "intangibles" in their classifieds service, and not be so hung up on the acquisition and transfer of fleeting (and highly breakable) material objects. Case in point, here is a non-exhaustive list of the type of highly valuable intangibles that could be offered as a free service through the Craigslist classifieds;

Active Listening
Advice
Affirmations
Anecdotes (personal, or otherwise)
Assumptions
Brainstorming
Casual Remarks
Clichés
Compliments
Conspiracy Theories
Encouragement
Esoteric Quotations
Feedback (constructive or negative depending on the need)
Folk Tales
Generalizations (these are always problematic)
Ideas
Insults (I recall a street performer who did this for cash - I would do it for free)
Jokes
Logical Fallacies
Musical Recommendations (no MP3 files exchanged)
Obscure Pop Culture References
Old Wives Tales
Opinions
Paranoid Delusions
Personal Insights
Poetry
Philosophical Discourse
Predictions
Reviews
Sarcasm
Speculation
Tall Tales
Various Quips & Assorted Witticisms
Warnings

I don't know about you, but I would jump at the chance to utilise some free brainstorming if I was stuck at a creative impasse late one night. Also, why bother with useless material things when someone can grace you with their sparkling wit, the occasional sarcastic remark or a really bang-on knock knock joke.

Any other ideas for valuable intangibles that could be offered?

IT'S THE END OF CDS AS WE KNOW IT?

I have been both awe struck and perplexed by the succession of deluxe reissue/ collector's edition CDs that have been coming out lately at a breakneck speed. As a music fan this has been somewhat exhilarating as well as partially frustrating.

On a positive note I have been able to rekindle my relationship with some beloved classic albums that up until recently were only available on inferior CD incarnations (complete with poor sound quality and aesthetically questionable design and packaging to boot!).

Needless to say, the major record companies are well aware of my demographic and are happy to cater to folks like me who are willing to spend some of their dwindling disposable income on tangible music. Ultimately the promise of a few enticing extras to sweeten the deal is an appealing prospect.

Of course part and parcel with this recent reissue frenzy is the underlying sense that this all just one last gasp of air for the CD format as the music industry braces to redefine itself in the new digital landscape.In a recent review of the reissues of Radiohead's first three albums (Pablo Honey, The Bends, OK Computer) Scott Plagenhoef at Pitchfork makes the assertion that "the Beatles' September 9 remaster campaign is, arguably, the end of the CD era" and goes on to expand upon his willingness to scoop up many of the current CD reissues in the meantime, in so far as they are relevant.

This is fitting in some ways if this is indeed the case, as I remember it seeming like a huge paradigm shift the first time you could buy the entire Beatles catalogue on CD. Of course we now know just how incredibly awful and compressed these initial CDs sounded, not to mention the poor presentation of the art work and album concepts.

So if this is indeed close to the end of the CD as we know it, perhaps it is fitting to end it with what are arguably some of the most important and influential recordings of the 20th century (and I humbly beseech the music gods above to ensure that they get it right with these Beatles reissues).

The generational shift away from tangible music hit me a few years ago when I was visiting with my niece and two nephews in the small town where they live. Like any good visiting uncle would do I offered to take them out and let them pick out something from a store they like (in their case it was the local Best Buy).

I suggested they pick out a few CDs and I received a blank look of indifference from all three of them. Of course we ended up buying a few DVDs and a video game instead. It hit me instantly that tangible music wasn't a significant point of reference for them, as it might have been even 5 years earlier if I had made the same offer to kids of a similar age group.

Ultimately what will happen of course is that CDs won’t drop off the face of the earth, but will likely be available on a limited release basis (along with vinyl) at more boutique like places that cater to people who care about this sort of thing. This works for me, as I loathe having to buy my music in places that also sell household appliances.

The other side benefit of this is that as the music biz continues to go mostly digital, the CDs or records that do come out on a limited basis will likely be more interesting. Hopefully there will continue to be more attention paid to some of the more appealing design elements and content as they become less mass produced and more niche oriented.

Anyhow, I will likely be hitting one of my favourite record shops on April 18th to celebrate record store day and participate in the sacred browsing ritual that has been an integral part of my life for a few decades now. I hope to unearth a few musical treasures in the process.

It is one of those strangely comforting rituals that connects me to a part of myself that I need to remain in touch with - a sense of wonder and possibility as I browse the aisles for that one recording that might just change my life.

MAY 1, 1601.

Today I accidentally discovered that I can't go any further back in time on my Outlook calendar than May 1, 1601. My archaic laptop at work was having a temper tantrum and decided to jam some of the keys, thus causing my Outlook calendar to zoom rapidly backwards in monthly increments, stopping abruptly at the above mentioned date in the year 1601.

I attempted to scroll back further, but to no avail. Upon further investigation I learned Windows uses January 1, 1601 as a baseline for both file dates and active directory logon dates. I also learned that for most computers the ANSI date format (YYYY-MM-DD) is counted from 1601-01-01, having something to do with the last 400 year cycle from which leap years are calculated in the Gregorian calendar.

For me this was significant setback, because I have been plotting on an ongoing basis around how to use my Outlook calendar as a tool for messing with the space-time continuum (for mostly benevolent reasons I might add). Much to my dismay it is clear now that I cannot book any appointments or schedule any of those helpful pop-up reminders I had planned for in the 16th Century or earlier.

Now I am seriously bummed out because I was planning to send a message to my old pal Prince Sigismund Bathory of Transylvania on May 5, 1600, warning him that the following day his beloved city of Suceava was going to be sacked by Michael the Brave of Wallachia. Now what am I supposed to do?
I could look at getting that old Flux Capacitor retrofitted for my Toyota Corolla and show up in person I suppose, but I fear getting stuck in the past and having to wait another 400 years or so to be born. That would be a tad inconvenient.

Of course don't get me started on the whole "butterfly effect", and the possibility that my own valiant efforts to save Prince Sigismund could disrupt the normal time line in the first place, thus preventing my own birth and causing this whole endeavour to disappear in a big puff of logic.

Any suggestions?

Related Post: My Time Travelling Outlook Calendar

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE (DOWNLOADED)

According to Pitchfork, last week ITunes (USA) featured a recording of the first movement of John Cage's "4'33" as a free download for the Discovery Song of the Week. One relevant consideration is of course that this is a performance piece that occurred when Cage instructed the musicians not to play a single note of what he had written down. The end result is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of the musicians not playing music.

The end result is not intended to be about "silence" because when you listen closely you can hear signs of life all around through the normal noise that would occur in any room ( even the sound of traffic outside if you listen closely apparently), which is the point of it really. Who said only instruments can be used to perform a composition?

Of course in the context of it being a free ITunes download I think it is even more brilliant. I am sure that those hunting for a free Lady Gaga track, or some other piece of musical ephemera may have found this a little baffling. It is wonderfully playful of ITunes to do this, and I like how it subverts the usual formula of providing some hook laden piece of pop designed to provide immediate gratification. Cage's piece actually forces you to listen.

In the spirit of this I have a few other suggestions for ITunes to consider;

"The Best of Marcel Marceau" (audio podcast). - An obvious one I admit, but I am somewhat intrigued around how one would visualize the movements of a graceful mime based on the natural rhythms and sounds created by his movement?

Lou Reed "Metal Machine Music" (locked groove edition) On the original vinyl LP the last 1.8 seconds of the album was repeated on an endless loop on the "locked groove" (see wikipedia entry for a decent explanation of the "locked groove" phenomena with vinyl LPs) Unfortunately an MP3 file cannot go on ad infinitum without taking up all the precious space on your hard drive, so I am sure that a decent five minute sample of the locked groove played on repeat would have a similar effect. Infinity here we come.

"The Best of Category Sixx" - Apparently Category Sixx are a "well known" air band that play the bar circuit. Of course due to copyright reasons the original songs that they play along to would be omitted and we would be left with the sounds of the live audience, as well as whatever sounds the band manages to produce jumping around on stage with their imaginary instruments. This would be strangely captivating I imagine.

"One Hand Clapping - The Hits" - the current top 10 downloaded singles as expressed in real time through one handed clapping. Are you astute enough to pick up what song is being expressed through the movement of air in an empty space?

Of course I would love to hear other ideas for an unconventional download.

BEWARE OF THE HOLY HAND GRENADE!

"Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy."

So what is it exactly that inspires me to start blogging again?; the continuing global financial crisis, gang violence plaguing Vancouver, the G20 Summit, rising unemployment and social unrest around the world….

None of the above.

If anything the recent story about the Holy Hand Grenade scare in London will certainly do the trick. It seems that a replica of an iconic Monty Python prop from "Monty Python & The Holy Grail" was suspicious enough to cause the bomb squad to be called in. Apparently caution is warranted when you stumble upon an object that includes a gem encrusted cross on top of golden sphere laden with sacred text on the side.

In a "post 9/11" world defined by real (and fake) terrorism threats, with increasing levels of xenophobia, anxiety and paranoia thrown into the mix, it's not surprising that even a Monty Python gag could inspire such dread. Had someone stumbled upon these same lethal Python props even a decade ago there likely would not have been the same panicked response.

Of course we all know that the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch is completely innocuous without the appropriate instructions from the sacred text in the Book of Armaments (Chapter 2, verses 9-21), which includes the following instructions;

"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count... Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

Thankfully there is a safe guard in place resulting from the fact that anyone who is numerically challenged will find it near impossible to effectively yield the Holy Hand Grenade.

Of course I do have to wonder what sort of crisis response there had been if someone placed a giant wooden rabbit outside of Parliament, or if The Knights Who Say "Ni" had shown up demanding a "shrubbery" ("one that looks nice and is not too expensive").

It is indeed a strange, absurd and wonderful world that we inhabit today, and thankfully Monty Python still has the ability to illustrate this so clearly.